Prodigal Daughter

It's been awhile since I last wrote; even though I have been trying to go to see The Lord more than once a week :x

Well, sometimes. 

I haven't yet updated 2 meetings with Him yet; so this is gonna be strange and confusing... But it's okay. Somehow it should make sense (later on)!

This morning I had felt super irritated, and looking back at my (current state) of life, I realized I wasn't getting anywhere closer to God (again). Nor was I putting any effort to love others like what I had asked for (otherwise, why would I be so upset then)?

I was irritated for the fact that:

I was registered for a talk which I would be missing classes if I ha decided to go for... But I didn't want to go for the talk in the first place (my friends had signed me up with good intentions)

A meeting with a lecturer had been delayed by 40 minutes so instead of meeting right after class, I had to meet her 40 minutes after class.

Mum asked me to go to the bank and I had to withdraw a good amount of sum for her.

More irritation as I looked for the bank slip, found mine, wrote my details, then wrote the LAST detail wrong, then had to look for a new one... But got too irritated, so I decided to scrap that.

So my morning was pretty much... Me on an irritation phase. And it was a bad time to be thinking of my current life with God (duh... Because I was being so negative!)

And yes, lately, I did feel detached from God. My own doing since I found it hard to distinguish between His voice and my own. I had since prayed for the Gift of Discernment... But I get the feeling it's not for me :( I dunno... 

Then I had a thought as I was getting into my car... Why do I even bother about God? I can live, you know, separately. It's not like I'm totally dependent on Him... then be like those believers who stray and find God then come back.

No I didn't reject that thought. Yes I had been living separately from God right after SPM, and I think it's because I was finally done with Form 5... Well then I found Him again. But I didn't reject that thought. I just thought... Hmm... Then got in my car, and questioned Him. Why am I like that? Irritated? What am I supposed to do with all these things messing up my schedule?

And I remembered how my aunt would hear Him say "Come and see me" when my uncle was driving past the church.  

So I realized, I'm supposed to go to church too! Lol. Thinking, "okay, if that's the case, then I'll go," I decided to say the rosary while driving.

I was calmer then afterwards. And I had managed to get what I needed done too :D Getting the sum from the bank before class (it was super packed too, when I arrived, then the next turn was mine! God definitely answered that prayer haha)

I had lunch after classes before meeting with the lecturer. Then after that, I got my car and left for the prayer room.

It was raining heavily when I had arrived (actually was driving in the rain half of the way). I asked Him why, and I felt He was saying it was happiness. So much happiness that He was crying, so it rained. Now I would find that kinda hilarious, and I do think that's part of my thoughts; but knowing God has a really great sense of humour, it may as well be the truth hahaha!

So I got down from the car, and went in the prayer room (with an umbrella).

Every time I go in the prayer room, I get the words "Make yourself comfortable." 

So I always do, then sit and quietly listen to anything that comes.

Well, I would say that nothing actually came, just that it's all silence. But there must've been a message for me right? Otherwise why would I go to see Him? Or think of seeing Him when I questioned Him?

It wasn't any messages in particular. I just sat there and listened to the rain. And then, I remembered these words:

"I forgive you, I love you, You are mine. Go in peace, sin no more, beloved one."

It's actually from a song, which I had liked very much (but I had forgotten it for a long long long time now) :

And I was happy. But I decided to sit for longer, and asked to be filled with His Spirit. This time though, I told Him that I always felt empty after I visit Him. Always.  

Then, a thought came to me. By continuing to act the same way I was before, how on Earth do I expect myself to feel as though I had been filled by God? I was supposed to go and be happy! Listen to music! Do the things that would make me happy. Smile at random people! Greet them! Do good things!

Then I heard the words in my thoughts (being specific here) from a long time ago: "Smile, Be happy, Love" (though that long time ago, when I was super down, it was "Smile, Be Happy, Eat"... Pretty sure that eat wasn't supposed to be there, lol)

Then, I thanked Him, praised Him, finished my rosary there too. And the whole time I had my eyes closed, I could feel His presence, sitting next to me, standing in front of me, blessing me. 

Even though I would say that I had no messages this time directly from Him, it doesn't mean that He didn't speak. I felt that this time He did speak; but through my experiences... As afterwards, it was just peace.... All the way hahahaha :)

Note to self: know that God does speak. Reconfirmation is important. And through 2 meetings, both messages had been reconfirmed by the priest DURING MASS, during the HOMILY. How awesome it that?? :p

Rest in My Spirit

Sunday; the day of drama and the night of terror. I had wondered if it really was God speaking to me? Although Sunday's homily completely resonated with what God said to me on Thursday (the part when I was inspired to ask for love of God and fellow men), I didn't quite understand why when I asked about the significance of the Wedding Garment (Matt 22: 11 - 13, Yep, referred to the Bible next to me to ensure it was the correct verse lol.), I didn't get to hear the magnificent explanation of it. What I got out of it was; I need to know the significance of the wedding garment (I had an image that it was white).

But I did find out about it; in the end, the man refused to put on the King's (God's) given garment even though it was given to Him and tried to blend in with his own garment. That was why the King had him bound and thrown out: the man had insulted the King by not wearing the wedding garment given to Him, and I wondered why God didn't tell me this and instead (I supposed it must've been me) to come up with my own thoughts to known more about the Wedding Garment.

That was Monday's story.

Tuesday,  I decided to go and see God, to ask him why even though I was still kinda tired from Sunday night's frightening experience.

I had decided that since Tuesday was when my schedule wasn't very busy, I would just head there to speak with Him to find out why He didn't speak and explain the Bible verse to me personally. So I did, drive there and sat there in the prayer room. 

When I did ask, I (not sure if it's Him or my own head speaking) that I hadn't had enough knowledge of the bible, and therefore I had to go back and learn about the Wedding Garment. (Sad case)

Then I asked on Monday morning's scary experience and wondered why I couldn't feel His presence or be confident enough that He was there. Then He said, He was there, it's just that I couldn't feel Him because I had sinned.

Sin doesn't push us away from God, because God is always present in our lives if we are His children. But it damages our spiritual sense of the relationship we have, so we feel like He wasn't there. Monday morning's experience taught me how bad sin was, and how damaging it is.

Going back to the prayer room; I was astonished and shocked. So I asked for forgiveness; remaining myself that I need to go for confession. But after that... I fell asleep. When I woke up, I apologized and tried to keep awake, but I felt Him telling me that He knew I was tired, so He was asking me to rest in His Spirit. Which I did, for a little while longer before heading home.

Immediate Prayer Granting/Miracle Day?!

.. and the story continues.

Despite not really getting enough sleep, I went ahead with my usual activities. Gonna have to shave some kilos off my stomach, complete my website project (not this one) and work on my Final Year Project.

Deciding to talk to God on Tuesday, I headed to college as usual.

Yep, I prayed for my favourite parking lot again, which was just opposite the exit. Yep, I was late. Yep, it was taken when I drove past that row.

So I told myself, well, it's okay. It's fine. If God doesn't grant my prayer today, it doesn't mean He didn't hear it. He'll grant it in His time for sure. Somehow, as I drove to the other end of the car park, these doubts started to arise; but I shook them off and told myself to have faith.

Indeed, faith was all it took.

I got out of my car, thinking about classes and walked to the exit. As I approached the parking lot that I asked for, I saw it - lo and behold - empty. E.M.P.T.Y.

Before I could think of what to think (lol not even to say), I caught sight of the car that had occupied that particular parking lot - which was in contact with the car opposite it!

Here, let me give you an illustration of what I'm talking about:

Pretend the image above (10 minutes in Paint program lol) is the car park, where the blue space was the parking lot that I had wanted. I had driven past the rows, and they were all occupied (yes, red and dark grey were other cars). 

Now, when I was walking to the exit, I saw the blue lot unoccupied... And then I saw this:

That black dot? That's me lol, walking to the exit.

I was like... o.o Dayummmmm... what....

Then I thought, "I should go get my car and park there!" lol... but I didn't, instead I was thinking about how on Earth it happened, and in less than 10 minutes too.

That blue car didn't crashed, it merely lightly knocked the red car (but not like I actually went over to investigate). Oh and the best part: there was absolutely NO ONE around that time too. Just me, minding my business and walking to the exit. 

And then I wondered, if God would do something like that? I thought He only moved humans to grant prayers; I didn't know He moved cars as well...

Oh, and I didn't take a picture either. Decided not to... since I didn't want to be holding proof that could lead to accusations and whatnot. And the people I had related it to, believed me; but they asked me if I truly saw what I saw hahaha. Some theories that were contributed:

1. God really did answer my prayer, and faith led the car to go from the parking space to the other side (only God can refute it).
2. Blue Car Owner drove the car and accidentally hit the Red Car. He/She saw me coming and decided to hide (possible, because I didn't want to find out more from investigating, but highly unlikely...)
3. Parking lot was steep, and Blue Car Owner forgot the handbrakes. (If so, then why didn't the car move earlier? Nevermind that, why didn't the other cars do the same?)
4. I was hallucinating. (Truly, I wasn't).
5. Some other thing was at work. (Doubtful)

I decided to ignore it and just continue to class...

After college, I headed home and then waited to go house visiting to recite the Rosary with the BEC. While waiting to depart from my house's kitchen, I saw my neighbour making Siew Pau (steamed pork buns) by the dozens.

Something like this, but more, much much more

I wanted to eat oneeee, they looked so good. So I jokingly said, "I should ask God to give me one; He'll stretch His hand from my neighbour's house and pick up a Pau (Bun) and give it to me." But then I told myself to behave; and I shalt not be jealous of my neighbour's Paus.

I went with my mum to the first house, which we waited for our guide to lead to us the way to the host's house. While waiting, the Steam Food Truck came towards us. So Mum asked me if I wanted one. At first, I said no, but thinking that I did ask from God and knowing that she also knows what I had said earlier, I changed my mind.

So we bought some paus eat and for tomorrow. While giving us our food, the vendor told us that the main road which he came from was very jammed. In fact, he was supposed to arrive at that same neighbourhood at 7pm, but he got here one hour late because of the jam lol.

And I was surprised. I asked him again, and he repeated his account. I was amazed, because it seemed like God actually heard my prayer! And those paus were among the best I had, because it was so packed with meat and the dough layer was thinner than the normal ones.

It was amazing... except that when I tried to relate this story to my dad, he wasn't very pleased because he thought I was asking too much. Was I? I thought we could and we should ask... for anything and everything; since it is through God that everything is made possible.

If I had relied on my own strength, I would have never gotten these experiences...

And so, I should not take things to heart; even though it was hurtful.

okay gotta go. Have fun, and remember; Jesus loves you!

Don't Leave Me, Lord!

I read the previous post, and it seemed a little too much like someone's experiences, so far away;
even though it was MY own experience (lol).

So I suppose I'll go back to the way I used to blog; mayhaps the posts will seem a little bit more closer to home than faraway.

I'll admit, yesterday wasn't easy for me. Not having breakfast, then mounting on the meat in the Korean restaurant, and again with all satay (homemade, and totally delish!) made me super duper bloated. I think I still have my tummy from yesterday >.<

But it was fun because we spent like the whole day out, and with my uncle and aunt (the super close to God couple). Naturally, after the Korean lunch, we rested in their house. I worked on the cross stitch of the Holy Family while my sister studied for her upcoming exam. Before long, it was time for tea and my aunt served us curry puff (another delish!).

Then my aunt and I sat down and talked about things. We talked about college, programmer school, God, and even my sister's experience with a frightful spiritual encounter. I felt like I wanted to disagree with my aunt about her going somewhere she wasn't supposed to go (no idea where) but I didn't think it would've made much difference.

And the fact that that encounter (no, I didn't witness it, I only heard stories) happened so very close, it took me quite some time to get over it (a little over two to three months? Actually haven't really gotten over it 100%). In fact, it made me run to God (maybe 30% of the time?)

But I have become more and more suspicious of anything strange... up to the point when we were merrily having dinner, my dad jokingly said, "Well, you know who's plan it was to make us overstay!"

Immediately, I went, "Who's?!" in a very surprised, scared, yet demanding, shocked tone, fearing it was not God. But my aunt looked at me and said, "God lah, isn't it?" Then, still having her gaze fixed on me, like God looking at me in a very angry manner, she asked, "Who did you think it was?"

I shrugged, but it wasn't enough, so I lied, because I was ashamed at myself.
EDIT: writing this now made me realized what exactly I did wrong.

Yes, I'm a coward, and pretty much useless and powerless. But my Father in Heaven is the most powerful, most brave, most wise and the most reliable person who will totally back me up.

Or so I thought.

After we arrived home, late at night, we said our usual rosary as a family, and then went to sleep. My sister and I went to bed after I wrote the previous post and my sister did a little bit of studying. It was around... 1am?

But my spirit couldn't rest that night. I didn't understand why after saying all my prayers, rebuking the devil and calling my favourite people in Heaven, I couldn't sleep. It's like, I'd close my eyes, and in my own head, I'd hear voices of conversations of the past day talking one after another and making no sense. The worst was when they get louder; and then one of them will scream and shout very loudly at me. I'd turn on the light, being scared, so I read the Bible, tried to go back to sleep, but the same thing happened. And I was becoming restless, so I went downstairs for a drink.

After I drank a glass of water, I sat in front of the altar, and told God that I was sorry for what I had done, because I realized that I may have slandered the Holy Spirit. Jesus himself said that if people spoke bad things about Him, they can still be forgiven, but not if a person called the Holy Spirit evil.

Realizing that God might just leave me, I started tearing up. I didn't want that; so I fervently apologized to Him. Not being able to listen to Him, to hear His thoughts, to feel His comforting presence... I didn't want that. Never ever.

While tearing up (ahem, trying to be macho, okay), I tried to imagine Him talking to me; and the line I imagined Him speaking to me was "My love for you is so great, Breena, that it is much more than all the stars in the galaxy" (which, btw, is an original sentence spoken by Him to my aunt... which she revealed, did make her cry by the bucketful... my brain just decided to switch the "wider than the ocean" with "more than all the stars in the galaxy" ).

Right then, I felt a chill all over me, as though He was filling me with His Holy Spirit, even though I was so sinful and doubtful and calling good, evil (additional: and lying too). Then, telling Him that I loved Him, I imagined hugging Jesus and not wanting to ever let go; but I did let go finally, and headed upstairs to  sleep.

However, not daring to sleep with the light off, I slept with the table lamp on; so it wasn't a very deep sleep...

The story continues tomorrow...

How I Spent My 21st Birthday

Today is the start of a new chapter in life, when one turns 21 and rethinks how much one has grown throughout the years.

I sat in the prayer room today, and silently waited for Him to speak. He had called me to see Him more than once a week, but I hadn't been honoring the call. And so I sat there, and waited.

While waiting, I reflected on my actions of the past 21 years of my life... I don't consider myself a good person; neither was I bad; and I knew I hadn't helped the poor when I saw they needed help, nor was I courageous enough to step out of my comfort zone to offer assistance to complete strangers.

"I think I'll be going to purgatory like this," I quietly remarked in my thoughts.

"Yes you are." He spoke. I lol'ed... And told Him, "Wouldn't You be merciful to me if I was merciful to others?" Yet deep down, I knew I wasn't so merciful. So I resigned myself to the thought that I would be going to purgatory anyway, and it dawned on me that I might be spending 21 years in there for 21 years of not living the proper faith and reaching out to others.

"You'll spend time in purgatory based on the time you spent sinning."

That wasn't very encouraging. So I decided that I needed to be more merciful in life.

After some time, it was quiet again.

"What is your request?"

"Request? That's strange." But I understood it was what I wanted as present, later. It was my 21st birthday after all. Not knowing what to say, I thought that He, as my divine Father, should know what I would want.

"Do you still want the black bicycle?"

(A black bicycle was what I had wanted and had asked for a few days ago.)

No... How could I want for material things when I understood how much important was world peace, the cure for Ebola disease, and other globally pressing matters?

Reflecting on my 21 years of life, I realized, I wanted to be with God, with Lord Jesus Christ, with the Holy Spirit, with Mother Mary after death. Life here is just a short time...

And I realized, deep deep deep down, being with Him is everything. And my prayer starts, rather thoughtfully, I told Him. The Holy Spirit guided me to say these very beautiful request, that I, by myself, in no way, can ever ask of this even:

"My request... Is that I want to love You, God, so much, with all of my body, all of my soul, all of my spirit, all of my thoughts, all of my strength. And because of that, I want to be able to see you, in the faces of other people I meet, so that I would love them because I love you.

And I want to know you, and grow towards you, spiritually, and grow with other people as well, to know you more and more... That not just I who can enter Heaven, but others too, with me..."

"It is granted." And a blurred scene of Him blessing me with the sign of the Cross over my head appeared behind my closed eyes.

It was a beautiful experience, a beautiful exchange of thoughts.

"Record it down."

"In a book?" I wondered. Who will read it? I, most likely. Until maybe my time on Earth is up and then others will know about it. But I knew I wouldn't maintain such a journal as I am bad with record keeping. Having not the chance to complete my train of thought, I had a mental image of an orange and white screen.

"In a blog."

And for a brief moment, I realized He was unfolding His mighty plan to use the gifts He had given me. I was excited, as this was the first time I had ever received His instructions.

But then I realized, I needed a name for the URL, and I happened to be bad at names as well. so I asked Him, what should it be? JesusLovesMe? JesusLovesYou? I'm sure those were already taken... He revealed that Jesus Loves You is the most suitable title as it is addressed to you, the reader.

But what of the URL?

"JesusLovesBreena" 

I was shocked. I didn't want to use my real name, I wanted to remain anonymous... but then He made me realized... that was probably the reason why He gave me a name that was very unique, for my name is very rare, what more finding a unique URL for this blog?

So how could I not use it?

I thanked Him, and praised Him in tongues, and told Him that I loved Him. I wanted to stay longer to talk, but I felt Him say "Go", very gently.

And so, I left the prayer room. I had decided to spend one hour to sit in the prayer room, and He had told me to go after revealing His Will for me.

I was very happy. And today, whatever I asked for, even if it was strange, it was given to me.

I drove to my college car park, and while I was late, I asked Him for a parking space, because it looked completely full. I paid my ticket and saw there was parking space right in front of me!

But I didn't want that lot. I wanted my favourite parking lot, which was opposite the stairs, exiting the parking area. Then I laughed at myself. What am I doing? I thought to myself. God would surely say, 'aiyooo this girl! I gave her a parking space and she doesn't want to park!'

And so I said, "God, I want my favourite lot, the one right opposite the stairs."

As I drove to my favourite parking lot... it was empty. E.M.P.T.Y. All around it was full. Not that lot, the exact lot that I asked for - waiting for me to occupy it!! And so I did *big smiles*

Praise God because He grants wishes and prayers! Even if the prayers were made on the dot because what I asked for wasn't very specific... hehe... lol.

To end, it was a few days late (sorry God, I'm late :( help me to be more reliable and punctual in these matters.) And thus, this blog was made.

As a closing note;


Jesus loves you❤️