Don't Leave Me, Lord!

I read the previous post, and it seemed a little too much like someone's experiences, so far away;
even though it was MY own experience (lol).

So I suppose I'll go back to the way I used to blog; mayhaps the posts will seem a little bit more closer to home than faraway.

I'll admit, yesterday wasn't easy for me. Not having breakfast, then mounting on the meat in the Korean restaurant, and again with all satay (homemade, and totally delish!) made me super duper bloated. I think I still have my tummy from yesterday >.<

But it was fun because we spent like the whole day out, and with my uncle and aunt (the super close to God couple). Naturally, after the Korean lunch, we rested in their house. I worked on the cross stitch of the Holy Family while my sister studied for her upcoming exam. Before long, it was time for tea and my aunt served us curry puff (another delish!).

Then my aunt and I sat down and talked about things. We talked about college, programmer school, God, and even my sister's experience with a frightful spiritual encounter. I felt like I wanted to disagree with my aunt about her going somewhere she wasn't supposed to go (no idea where) but I didn't think it would've made much difference.

And the fact that that encounter (no, I didn't witness it, I only heard stories) happened so very close, it took me quite some time to get over it (a little over two to three months? Actually haven't really gotten over it 100%). In fact, it made me run to God (maybe 30% of the time?)

But I have become more and more suspicious of anything strange... up to the point when we were merrily having dinner, my dad jokingly said, "Well, you know who's plan it was to make us overstay!"

Immediately, I went, "Who's?!" in a very surprised, scared, yet demanding, shocked tone, fearing it was not God. But my aunt looked at me and said, "God lah, isn't it?" Then, still having her gaze fixed on me, like God looking at me in a very angry manner, she asked, "Who did you think it was?"

I shrugged, but it wasn't enough, so I lied, because I was ashamed at myself.
EDIT: writing this now made me realized what exactly I did wrong.

Yes, I'm a coward, and pretty much useless and powerless. But my Father in Heaven is the most powerful, most brave, most wise and the most reliable person who will totally back me up.

Or so I thought.

After we arrived home, late at night, we said our usual rosary as a family, and then went to sleep. My sister and I went to bed after I wrote the previous post and my sister did a little bit of studying. It was around... 1am?

But my spirit couldn't rest that night. I didn't understand why after saying all my prayers, rebuking the devil and calling my favourite people in Heaven, I couldn't sleep. It's like, I'd close my eyes, and in my own head, I'd hear voices of conversations of the past day talking one after another and making no sense. The worst was when they get louder; and then one of them will scream and shout very loudly at me. I'd turn on the light, being scared, so I read the Bible, tried to go back to sleep, but the same thing happened. And I was becoming restless, so I went downstairs for a drink.

After I drank a glass of water, I sat in front of the altar, and told God that I was sorry for what I had done, because I realized that I may have slandered the Holy Spirit. Jesus himself said that if people spoke bad things about Him, they can still be forgiven, but not if a person called the Holy Spirit evil.

Realizing that God might just leave me, I started tearing up. I didn't want that; so I fervently apologized to Him. Not being able to listen to Him, to hear His thoughts, to feel His comforting presence... I didn't want that. Never ever.

While tearing up (ahem, trying to be macho, okay), I tried to imagine Him talking to me; and the line I imagined Him speaking to me was "My love for you is so great, Breena, that it is much more than all the stars in the galaxy" (which, btw, is an original sentence spoken by Him to my aunt... which she revealed, did make her cry by the bucketful... my brain just decided to switch the "wider than the ocean" with "more than all the stars in the galaxy" ).

Right then, I felt a chill all over me, as though He was filling me with His Holy Spirit, even though I was so sinful and doubtful and calling good, evil (additional: and lying too). Then, telling Him that I loved Him, I imagined hugging Jesus and not wanting to ever let go; but I did let go finally, and headed upstairs to  sleep.

However, not daring to sleep with the light off, I slept with the table lamp on; so it wasn't a very deep sleep...

The story continues tomorrow...