Prodigal Daughter

It's been awhile since I last wrote; even though I have been trying to go to see The Lord more than once a week :x

Well, sometimes. 

I haven't yet updated 2 meetings with Him yet; so this is gonna be strange and confusing... But it's okay. Somehow it should make sense (later on)!

This morning I had felt super irritated, and looking back at my (current state) of life, I realized I wasn't getting anywhere closer to God (again). Nor was I putting any effort to love others like what I had asked for (otherwise, why would I be so upset then)?

I was irritated for the fact that:

I was registered for a talk which I would be missing classes if I ha decided to go for... But I didn't want to go for the talk in the first place (my friends had signed me up with good intentions)

A meeting with a lecturer had been delayed by 40 minutes so instead of meeting right after class, I had to meet her 40 minutes after class.

Mum asked me to go to the bank and I had to withdraw a good amount of sum for her.

More irritation as I looked for the bank slip, found mine, wrote my details, then wrote the LAST detail wrong, then had to look for a new one... But got too irritated, so I decided to scrap that.

So my morning was pretty much... Me on an irritation phase. And it was a bad time to be thinking of my current life with God (duh... Because I was being so negative!)

And yes, lately, I did feel detached from God. My own doing since I found it hard to distinguish between His voice and my own. I had since prayed for the Gift of Discernment... But I get the feeling it's not for me :( I dunno... 

Then I had a thought as I was getting into my car... Why do I even bother about God? I can live, you know, separately. It's not like I'm totally dependent on Him... then be like those believers who stray and find God then come back.

No I didn't reject that thought. Yes I had been living separately from God right after SPM, and I think it's because I was finally done with Form 5... Well then I found Him again. But I didn't reject that thought. I just thought... Hmm... Then got in my car, and questioned Him. Why am I like that? Irritated? What am I supposed to do with all these things messing up my schedule?

And I remembered how my aunt would hear Him say "Come and see me" when my uncle was driving past the church.  

So I realized, I'm supposed to go to church too! Lol. Thinking, "okay, if that's the case, then I'll go," I decided to say the rosary while driving.

I was calmer then afterwards. And I had managed to get what I needed done too :D Getting the sum from the bank before class (it was super packed too, when I arrived, then the next turn was mine! God definitely answered that prayer haha)

I had lunch after classes before meeting with the lecturer. Then after that, I got my car and left for the prayer room.

It was raining heavily when I had arrived (actually was driving in the rain half of the way). I asked Him why, and I felt He was saying it was happiness. So much happiness that He was crying, so it rained. Now I would find that kinda hilarious, and I do think that's part of my thoughts; but knowing God has a really great sense of humour, it may as well be the truth hahaha!

So I got down from the car, and went in the prayer room (with an umbrella).

Every time I go in the prayer room, I get the words "Make yourself comfortable." 

So I always do, then sit and quietly listen to anything that comes.

Well, I would say that nothing actually came, just that it's all silence. But there must've been a message for me right? Otherwise why would I go to see Him? Or think of seeing Him when I questioned Him?

It wasn't any messages in particular. I just sat there and listened to the rain. And then, I remembered these words:

"I forgive you, I love you, You are mine. Go in peace, sin no more, beloved one."

It's actually from a song, which I had liked very much (but I had forgotten it for a long long long time now) :

And I was happy. But I decided to sit for longer, and asked to be filled with His Spirit. This time though, I told Him that I always felt empty after I visit Him. Always.  

Then, a thought came to me. By continuing to act the same way I was before, how on Earth do I expect myself to feel as though I had been filled by God? I was supposed to go and be happy! Listen to music! Do the things that would make me happy. Smile at random people! Greet them! Do good things!

Then I heard the words in my thoughts (being specific here) from a long time ago: "Smile, Be happy, Love" (though that long time ago, when I was super down, it was "Smile, Be Happy, Eat"... Pretty sure that eat wasn't supposed to be there, lol)

Then, I thanked Him, praised Him, finished my rosary there too. And the whole time I had my eyes closed, I could feel His presence, sitting next to me, standing in front of me, blessing me. 

Even though I would say that I had no messages this time directly from Him, it doesn't mean that He didn't speak. I felt that this time He did speak; but through my experiences... As afterwards, it was just peace.... All the way hahahaha :)

Note to self: know that God does speak. Reconfirmation is important. And through 2 meetings, both messages had been reconfirmed by the priest DURING MASS, during the HOMILY. How awesome it that?? :p